My Son, My Beautiful Son

My heart is breaking, aching, falling into pieces, cascading downward, landing softly, interspersing with yours. This intricately designed puzzle devoid of instructions, each interlocking piece lavishly stained in colors and patterns, facing upward, beckoning for assembly—it’s complicated. I struggle to place the oddly shaped pieces in harmony with the others; there’s no clear picture of the end mosaic, completely lost in its complexity, vulnerable, apprehensive, feeling inadequate and incapable. Countless pieces isolated, waiting to be orchestrated into a recognizable portrait, unobscured.

I envision a landscape of porcelain and seafoam hues forming a vast ocean sea, a spectrum of tangerine and fuchsia stretching across the cloudless sky generated by the disappearing sun over the earth’s horizon. Waves rolling gently, seagulls gliding overhead rhythmically squabbling, calm breezes whispering. I visualize my sweet boy exploring the shell-ridden sandy beachfront, jumping over foamy waves, fulfilling his sensory needs, enjoying peace, solace, finding contentment. He belongs here.

Sweet boy. My breaking, aching heart is intertwined with yours; in indescribable ways you have captured my soul and I never want to let go. It is you that has taught me genuine, profound, compassionate love that knows no boundaries; an unconditional love that envelopes, accepts, hopes, and perseveres through unpredictable challenges. I promise to walk by your side, be your voice, advocate on your behalf. I am entangled in the obstacles that materialize before us, my hand surrounds yours, together we will be brave.

There are fragments interlocking beautifully, revealing portions of an exceptionally beautiful puzzle, more prominent than the futile pieces refusing to connect. This artwork reveals your story of bravery, beauty, complexity and struggle. Your bright, beautiful eyes radiate joy and curiosity, but also express fear, apprehension and doubt, I notice. Continue to teach me how to assemble additional pieces, to accept, discern, recognize the multitude of layers, fragments, segments that fabricate my sweet, amazing boy.

Forever I am changed. Forever I am stronger. Forever I will love you, just as you are.

Lora Charles

Lora Charles, RN. Ordinary mom of three. Avid marathon runner. Budding photographer. Walking hand-in-hand with one extraordinary boy through the challenges and triumphs of autism.

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