How I See Myself in You

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For seven years, I have watched you grow and your personality unfold. Before you arrived, I wondered what life with you would be like. After you arrived, I knew that life was different but didn’t realise how much I would learn from you. Through you, I have learnt what it means to be a mother, understood more about the person I want to be, and discovered new things about who I am.

I love your curiosity and independence, which were both evident from an early age. When faced with a challenge, you will always find a way to get around it. At 2, you used the filing box to help you reach the desktop and use the computer. At 4, you took Dad’s photo on his phone and tried to use it to access the Xbox using the facial recognition login. Recently, you almost worked out the iPad pin code after you set Dad a quiz about everything—from his birthday and favourite colour to his parents’ birth dates.

Like you, I enjoy the challenge of working things out and finding answers. Puzzle solving is a big part of my job. There is nothing more exciting than a problem to be solved, even if it does take a while. When faced with a challenge I can become wrapped up in it for hours and days, oblivious to the world around me until I have completed the task. This is so similar to the way you can get lost in a world of your own and spend hours working on your Lego masterpieces.

Life is the biggest puzzle facing us both, as we attempt to navigate through the twists and turns of what can often be a confusing world.

School turned out to be a bit of a surprise for us all. The demands of lessons and lunchtimes were overwhelming, and you often clashed with your classmates. As your refusal to participate in lessons and emotional outbursts increased, we realised that you couldn’t cope. Your anxiety was at an all-time high, and our hearts broke to see you struggle so much when we didn’t know how to help you.

While you struggled at school, I struggled at work. I have often been called out for being challenging, abrasive, inflexible, or inconsiderate of others. The reason is that I also struggle when there is uncertainty, an unexpected change, or when everyone has a different view about how to get things done. I don’t mean to be difficult—I just want to make sure that I get the job done on time to a high standard, and it sometimes takes me a while to get my head around different points of view. After years of conflict, and many unsuccessful attempts to change, my own anxiety has rocketed as I struggle to be the person they wanted me to be and take the next step in my career.

Things have started to change for us, as you have found the support you need at school and I am learning how to bring about the changes I need at work.

Even with these changes, life can be pretty exhausting at times. It is not always easy dealing with things that are beyond your control or don’t make sense. I have learnt to tell when things are getting too much for you—your voice becomes louder, your actions and language become repetitive and restricted, and your mood becomes more volatile. Signs that you could be headed for a meltdown and need some downtime, distraction, or support to allow you the time and space to deal with things before they get too much to cope with.

I understand how you feel. I often have moments when it all gets too much for me, too. Times when I need to work hard to keep things together, struggle to cope with even the simplest of demands, and need to escape. In supporting you, I have learnt how to identify my own triggers and manage my own stress levels without feeling guilty about the need to take some time out for me.

Together we are learning about self-regulation, and how to keep ourselves on a more even keel.

At night, I love to watch you sleeping, tightly wrapped up in your duvet cocoon. I think about the joy that you bring into my world. How you love to share your knowledge of facts with anyone who will listen, and enjoy using big words and quirky phrases you have heard. How you see life from a different perspective to most people and take great happiness from simple pleasures. How you always say exactly what you are thinking and don’t worry about what other people think.  How loyal you are to the people you have connected with, and how much you enjoy making people laugh.

As I watch you, I think about your spirit and approach to life and how similar it is to my own. We are different. We are the same. Reflections of each other, moving through life along intertwined paths.

Through watching and understanding you, I have discovered that I, too, have autism. In you, I see me and a future where we both can find our place in the world. A world where our differences are celebrated and our struggles are understood.

Helen Needham

Founder at Life and ASC
Helen is a working mum with 2 young children, one of whom has been diagnosed with atypical autism. Helen blogs about finding her way through autism, special needs education and anxiety, and finding a life-work balance, at Life and ASC

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