December, 2015 | Autism Awareness

I’d be lying if I said I never get jealous because I do. Is that bad?

It’s one of those things that I hate to admit but it happens. I get jealous! I am a special-needs mother and I simply get jealous of non-special-needs mothers.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have a great life. I have two wonderful boys who both happen to have autism. My oldest has severe autism and my youngest has mild autism. There are certain days that I feel like I could be an autism expert! I mean, how could I not be? I’m raising a good range of the whole spectrum in my house daily. I fight the daily battles of having a non-verbal child. Yet, I fight the daily battles of having a child who is VERY verbal with no filter whatsoever! Needless to say, our life can be very interesting and our house is never quiet.

With Trenton, I fight the issues of having a child who is in his own world 24/7. At the same time, I fight the issues of having a child who wants to be in everyone else’s world 24/7. My son Andres is the definition of hyper-social! My daily experiences with my sons are completely opposite. I could discuss the range of the spectrum in depth to the fullest that it has ever been spoken about. However, I’ll save that for another day.

Roller-Coaster Life

During my roller-coaster life I often find myself fighting jealousy. It creeps in like a thief in the night. On some days I feel like it comes out of nowhere—but does it really come out of nowhere? Maybe it came in a little bit at a time when I didn’t even notice. Maybe it sneaks in behind my strength I show every day. Maybe, just maybe, it’s always there but I block it.

Jealousy is all around special-needs parents. I never know what kind of emotions I’ll have and battle with daily until the situation arises. Sometimes we’re mad, happy, tired, sad, jealous and desperate. Sometimes we feel defeated and hopeless, but driven. On some days we are enthusiastic, courageous and frustrated. The list of our roller-coaster emotions could go on forever. However, the one that creeps in most often is jealousy.

Communication

I get jealous when I see children Trenton’s age that can communicate. I get jealous of other children and parents when I see Trenton have a meltdown because of his frustration at not being able to communicate. This jealousy of other children turns into sadness and I am sad once again for my child.

Jealousy comes when I see the sadness and fear in Andrew’s eyes. Andrew’s eyes are a strong voice that give away his wave of emotions when he doesn’t want to tell me. I get so jealous of the children his age that don’t have to fight the social fears that he does. Once again, my jealousy turns into sadness and I am sad for him—sad that he has to fight these daily battles.

Simple Tasks

I get jealous when I see other mothers at the grocery store with their children. I get jealous of the children who are walking along with their mothers, not having any meltdowns or battling any sensory problems while in the store. I get jealous at the mothers who can do the easiest and simplest task with their children because sometimes the easiest and most natural task takes days of planning and preparation for us.

Date Night

I get jealous of the parents who can go out and have a date night with their spouse. Not everyone is jumping at our door, excited to babysit a child with severe autism.

Sports

I am jealous of the children who get to play t-ball and who get to participate in all the social activities that most children enjoy. I am jealous of their parents who get to go and watch their children take part in “normal” extracurricular activities. I am jealous of everyone who gets to sleep at night. Our house doesn’t know what it’s like to sleep. My list of jealousy could go on and on and on, forever.

Me Time

In fact, if you’re a parent that can even let “your guard down” for a few minutes, then I am jealous of you too! I don’t know what it’s like to let my guard down for five seconds. My guard is up and going strong every minute of the day with two boys with autism.

Jealousy hits often and when it does, it hits hard. No one even knows when I am battling it because I don’t let it show. I’ve learned how to smile and live life to the fullest behind those jealous thoughts. I’ve learned how to hide the pain and keep it from interfering in my life.

I have always been known to be a down-to-earth, simple girl who has always been grateful for what I have been blessed with in life. I am beyond grateful for my two boys. I wouldn’t trade them or our life for anything in the world. In fact, my boys have made me a much better person because of their special needs.

With that said, getting jealous of others is human nature. Jealousy takes over when I just want to have a “normal” day with no autism battles. However, at the end of the day, I am beyond blessed in life. I couldn’t be more grateful for my sons and their special needs. They are truly worth it.

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Angela and her family reside in Terre Haute, Indiana, where they moved to get more help for her son with severe autism. She was born and raised in a small town in southern Illinois where her love for animals and helping others blossomed.

She enjoys sharing the honest and real side of autism through her writing. Her writing may not apply to every family with a child with autism, but it is sure to apply to the families raising children on the severe end of the spectrum.

To read more of Angela’s journey please visit her website or like her Facebook page.

Last week we shared a link on Facebook to an article titled, “I Admit It: I Like My Child Better When He Is Drugged.” It was written by Kristie Mae, the creator of Abandoning Pretense and a regular contributor at Nickmom.com and Bluntmoms.com.

Kristie did not ask us to share the link. I logged into Facebook that morning and the article somehow appeared in my newsfeed. Having just gone through a medication change for my son, this was a topic I thought would be of great interest to our AutismAwareness.com community so I decided to share.

Once the article was posted, there was some typical discussion on both sides of the fence: The expected “Don’t use medication” to “Whatever works for the child” and “I can relate to this” comments.

For a topic that I expected to maybe become a little heated, it was quite well received.

But then, over the next few hours, something would happen that really concerned me.

One commentator started off by saying she refused to read the article, and later said: “that’s where I realized she’s definitely drugged her kid to make HER life easier, because that’s obviously not a parent that can deal with having a challenging child.”

There was another comment from the same person that was much harsher, and we ultimately ended up banning her. Yes, we can do that.

Why? Because there’s a line you shouldn’t cross.

Our writers, our friends, and the people we find – every piece of content we try to curate for our Facebook page is derived from a hunt for honest and open opinions and stories from people who live with or are exposed to Autism.

This content is not easy to write. In fact, it’s often some of the most personal moments a writer has chosen to share with the world. And this content, these opinions, those words were not created to sell ads, create shock value or plug a brand. They were written to share and help others going through the same challenges.

Some years ago I made a mistake. I called someone a Bad Mom. Yes, I did. I’m not proud. In fact, it’s one of the biggest regrets of my life.

I didn’t release how powerful those words were. I didn’t realize what I meant to say should never have been expressed in those two words.

I didn’t mean it as hard as it sounds, but no matter what my reasoning I learned that you NEVER EVER call someone who is trying day after day to provide the best care for their child a Bad Parent.

In fact, you should never say these two words, period. A Bad Mom or Bad Dad. These words are so wrong for those who are trying.

If I could turn back the clock, I would.

So when one of our community members wants to personally attack one of our authors or some writer whose story we felt compelled enough to share, then we need to step in.

Any content provider on AutismAwareness.com should know we do our best to make you safe from personal attacks, from ignorance, from name calling. Healthy debates are great. Cyber bullying (especially by adults) is just 100% wrong and ridiculous. We will not stand for it.

Our kids have challenges. Our marriages have challenges. Our personal lives have challenges. Our work lives have challenges. Our entire lives have challenges. This community, however, is meant to inspire, meant to bring together people, meant to be a place to share.

My team spends more hours deleting spam comments, increasing filters and monitoring the page than you will ever realize. We have also spent a significant amount of personal money to build this community. All of this is for the simple goal of a safe community.

Why? Because I need it. You need it. Our kids need it.

I thought I was alone for a long time. Many of you, I am sure, feel the same way. We are not, nor ever have been. We just needed to embrace the community of people around us facing the same challenges.

So, on my watch I promise that we will do everything we can to continue to make our Facebook page a safe community where you should never be afraid to share. I can’t promise we will not see the above events happen again, but I can promise that those people will be quickly banned.

Autism is hard. Parenting is hard. Parenting + Autism is incredibly hard.

But we’re all doing the best we can, and that’s what makes someone a good parent.

To those who do not understand this, Well, go fly a kite, to be polite.

I Get Jealous

A Bad Mom. Oh No, You Never.